Songs and Lyrics

 

I won’t translate my guilt into eloquence nor

Will I sing my repentance again for you for

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

 

You won’t suffer the words of the girl you abhor

Though you damn me for sins you’ve committed before

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

 

We were molten and smoking and spitting debris

But I trusted your imminent solidity

And that trust was not returned

And that trust was not returned

 

Now I’m igneous rock, but since you think I’m sand

I won’t offer the love and forgiveness that stands

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

 

I won’t humor you further, you’re nobody’s god

You’re a blasphemous brat with a righteous façade

Your ears are waxed thick with judgment and pride

Your eyes: lensed in high contrast filters, and dried

Your mouth preaches peace, dribbles hate out the side

 

Your bitter silence blew furious, scattered the mists

I see un-shrouded the sickness I missed

Your false compassion condemned my heart, now its dismissed

Once I esteemed you, now pity persists

Cause I’ve been loved better by criminals, strangers, and atheists

 

Still my patience and charity never decayed

I won’t tear down the forsaken temple we made

The doors are all open, a pew’s in reserve

It’s a grace you don’t deserve

 

 

Snow sifted like powdered sugar

On the broken amusement park

Paths cut by cross county skiers

Gliding through Dobroselsky Park

 

Russian champagne and boxed wine in my veins

And a call on the telephone

I’m going home in the still lingering dark

Still lingering dark

 

Juice carton bird feeders swinging

With flutters of yellow and red

Stage ruins tagged and graffitied

The sidewalks deserted and dead

 

Hopped off the fence with a guilty conscience

And a call on the telephone

I’m going home in the slow, trickling dawn

Slow, trickling dawn

 

Crowds carrying roses, tulips

Clogging Egorova street

Tarps piled with bright gold mimosa sprigs

Petal confetti strewn under my feet

 

Dumping my allies, severing ties

With a call on the telephone

I’m all alone in the full, tingling sunlight

Full, tingling sun

 

Don’t follow my trail

Don’t climb my mountain

And certainly don’t come anywhere near my cave

 

Don’t mount your white steed

Don’t draw your broadsword

And certainly don’t try anything noble or brave

 

I’ve got treasure

I’ve got piles and rivers

Of crystals and jewels, gemstones and spools

Of spun gold so brilliant it makes me cry

And I pledge to protect it until I die

 

Yes I can smile

I’d rather bare canines

Beat leathery wings and glower with glowing eyes

 

Yes I can speak

I’d rather blow smoke rings

Spit embers and ash at all who pass my prizes

 

I’ve got treasure

I’ve got piles and rivers

Of crystals and jewels, gemstones and spools

Of spun gold so brilliant it makes me cry

And I pledge to protect it until I die

 

I’m nobody’s friend

Nobody’s magic dragon

I fight off you thieves with tooth, fire, and claw

 

I wait in the dark

I snuff the lamps and candles

Stand guard in my doorway until the daylight withdraws

 

For my treasure

When the light leaks in is

Monopoly deeds, Mardi Gras beads

Adjustable rings from the vending machine

And that’s not how I’ll have my hoard seen

That’s not how I will be seen

 

I’m a terror

I’m a loaded killer

And I’m to be feared, to be revered

The poets and bards will write ballads for me

And everyone’s jealous of me

Everyone’s jealous of me

All you mere mortals are jealous of me!

 

Dark hair, pale skin

Something I dreamed up

And then you appeared

Asking me under

The turning maple tree

At once, I knew

 

Saturday night

Everything empty and dark

I wait alone

Feigning naiveté

Maybe you won’t disappear

If I don’t let on

 

Film after film

An arm round my shoulder

A hand on my hand

Grazing my frozen fingers

Afraid to move

This isn’t real

 

October eleventh

A question, a nod in reply

I can’t speak when I don’t believe

You’re too late

This symbol of feeling, connection

Writhes like worms from the gutter against my lips

 

Innocence

I lost you long ago

All by myself

I’ll never share you

I stand quite alone, stark but regretless

I’ll never be Sylvia’s virgin in a tree

 

The heat pooled mirage-like on the asphalt

Yellowing the fields where red winged blackbirds

Sitting spaced like sentries on the fence posts watched us

As we rolled away

 

The wallflowers and mustard seeds where drying

And I couldn’t stay to see them back again next year

But a purple sweat pea sprout still lived, its tendrils entwining

‘Round the railroad tracks and tumble weeds

 

I used to stand over the interstate

High above the ranch homes and the mini vans

I laced my hands in the chain link fence with longing

Watched the haze drift with the delta breeze

 

I know why dreamers scorn this place

Lemmings swarm the strip malls and the high school halls

But I hold my mind on the fringe patches of beauty

So I have no hate for my hometown

No, I have no hate for my hometown

 

Black widows still nest inside the pump house

Blackberries still tangle up the drainage ditch

The blacktops still shimmer in the summertime, though I’m long gone

I have no hate for my hometown

No, I have no hate for my home town

 

You asked me if I’d let you write me a letter

I replied right away, “yes, definitely”

Sent you my address, waited impatiently

Checked my mailbox more than twice a day

Before my hope began to fade

 

You asked me if I’d let you write me a letter

But then you never did, quite typically

You don’t have to try too hard to torture me

All your good intentions from that May

Have left me cautious and afraid

 

It’s been so long

And I don’t know what you’re thinking

Truth be told, I never really did

We’ve done each other wrong

And my heart keeps sinking

At the thought that you’ll never forgive me

 

I think you know how much I love you

I think you know how much these years of silence hurt me

A few words from your heart

Not wrenched out like they always were before

Is all I ever really wanted

 

I asked you if you’d let me write to you instead

I tried to find the words to best display

The complicated truth without stripping defenseless

I’m done standing bare before you

I still can’t forget I’ve been betrayed

 

I asked you if you’d let me write to you instead

Then I remembered we’ve been here before

Here I go duct-taping our relationship

Breaking the silence you might want to stick to

Asking questions you evade

 

All along

I’ve not known what you’re thinking

If you want to talk, it’s time I did

We’ve done each other wrong

And I’ve been shrinking

Far back because I’m not sure you want a thing to do with me now

 

I think you know how much I love you

I think you know how much these years of silence hurt me

A few words from your heart

Not wrenched out like they always were before

Is all I ever really wanted

 

I want you to know that I won’t judge you

If what you write is hard to hear or imperfect

A few words from your heart

Unedited and taken as they are

Is all I ever really wanted

 

Write to me

All I want to hear is what you have to say

It’s all I ever wanted

 

Early fall

A cold drizzle turns to frosty flurries

Tumbling and twirling in the glimmer of the street lamps

Humming pedal tones against the northwest hiss

Below the rustle of the

Last few wrinkled desiccated leaves

 

First snowfall

All the gutters clogged with sooty slush

With decomposed debris mixed up or frozen to the asphalt

All the students wear bright colored rain boots

So they won’t get wet and washed out

Graying to translucent spectral shapes

 

October iced over

This is not the autumn I know

Geometric snowflakes floating

Sharp precise and beautiful

 

October iced over

This is not the autumn I know

Glassy branches curling ice forms

Alien and beautiful

 

Halloween

All the trick-or-treaters dressed as skiers

Gathering and gorging to prepare for hibernation

We are headed for a hard cold winter

So we’d better spend it dreaming

Underneath a comforter of snow

 

October iced over

This is not the autumn I know

Piles of prismic crystal powder

Glittering and beautiful

 

October iced over

Let’s spend winter dreaming

Underneath a comforter of snow

Dreaming underneath a comforter of snow

Dreaming underneath a comforter of snow

Dreaming underneath a comforter of snow

Lured like a fool before, I used to swim around you

When your boat cast a shadow and your paddle beat the waves

You sang so sweetly when you plucked me from the water

Cried with wrath when I jumped free

Cried with wrath when I jumped free

 

Now you come around dangling a rusty hook above me

Like I’m not worth your time, a piece of plastic, or a worm

Like I’ve forgotten how it feels to flop for air in your canoe

Or why I swam across the ocean

Why I swam across the ocean

 

Down here I’ve caught my breath

Been sharing blessings with new friends

You’ll never reach me by hook or net

Down here I’ve caught my breath

 

Now you’re the fool; you still mistake a goldfish for a guppy

I’m too slippery to grasp now, you’re not sharp enough to gut me

I could grant you all these wishes if you’d only show me mercy

And recognize my majesty

Recognize my majesty

 

Down here I’ve caught my breath

Been sharing blessings with new friends

You’ll never reach me by hook or net

Down here I’ve caught my breath

 

Reel in your fishing line, receive my parting gift

This secret truth that made me gold, changed and redeemed

In every monster there’s a sacred, magic being

Dive down deep and set it free

Dive down deep and set it free

 

Down here I’ve caught my breath

Been sharing blessings with new friends

You’ll find your way and then we’ll meet again

Down here I’ve caught my breath

Down here I’ve caught my breath

 

I cracked my world open before you

Spilled rotting innards at your feet

Bloodied my own on the fragments of my shell

I never could tread carefully

 

But that rank and shattered egg was not me,

But the broken walls of my unsuited home

Unseen for the carnage left I crept away,

Concealed the kind of creature that I am

 

I can’t live long homeless without armor

I’ve been living the past two years as a clam

On bare beaches beggars can’t be choosers

And I’d rather be silent than exposed

 

I, too, only knew the one part you showed me

The smooth, sculpted surface of your shell

Its single shadowed crease spiraled inward to infinity

I loved you. I loved you.

 

Were you paradise inside

Or a decapod like me

I loved you.

 

In my heart I only hoped to live beside you

In my heart I only hoped to live beside you

Under my shell I only hoped to live beside

My only love

 

In my heart I only hoped to live beside you

In my heart I only hoped to live beside you

Under my shell I only hoped to live beside

My only love

 

Under my jagged, tarnished shell

I only hoped to live beside

My only love

 

I’m lying back to the bottom of the swimming pool        

Ripples and reflections from the clouds and the moon

Blur as flailings from my fingers and my toes bubbles to the surface

I know I’ll be rising soon

 

The air is thick, but the water’s thin

The summer sounds damp when I jump in

The froth from the plunge settles, silk on skin

It stills and stills and stills

 

The twilight grays, but the water glows

My shadowy shape on the shallow side grows

Slithers and slinks as I swim then slows

It stills and stills and stills

 

I’d make a home right here in the deep end

In this dim tepid tank where my life suspends

I would never move, I would never ascend

If I only had gills

 

I’m lying back to the bottom of the swimming pool   

Ripples and reflections from the clouds and the moon

Blur as flailings from my fingers and my toes bubbles to the surface

I know I’ll be rising soon